The trials of flathunting: #1 in a series of hopefully not very many

Perfect: Large double-room, kitchen not seperate from living area, wooden floors, bike storage, broadband; one or two non-smoking flatmates, non-British flatmates, female flatmates, late-20s or early-30s flatmates; close to Uni, good greengrocers down the road, good fishmongers down the road, good off-license (Oddbins) down the road, good pub around the corner.

Acceptable: Medium-sized room with one-and-a-half-person-bed, kitchen not a box, carpets, bike allowed in room or in hall, good internet connection at Uni; one or two considerate smokers as flatmates, British flatmates, male flatmates, early-20s flatmates; a 15-minute cycle from Uni, good greengrocers on the cycle to Uni, a fishmonger somewhere nearby, respectable off-license down the road, good pub ten minutes away.

Unacceptable: Box room, box kitchen, peeling carpets, no bikes, no good internet in my life; three or more flatmates, heavy smokers, Daily Mail readers, 'lads', teenaged flatmates; suburbia, Tesco as only local food supplier, dodgy off-license acting as a front for the local drug den, Wetherspoons as the local.

I actually don't think that finding all of that top list is too much to ask; can anybody help?